my story. - not completed.

2007-08-13T00:20:17Z

ANSWERS

I don’t like these kind of situations. I have to calm my mother and my father down, as well as myself. Actually, I hate these kind of situations, because not only do I have to keep my temper cool, but I have to try and keep others’ tempers low as well. Keeping me calm is already hard. “Damn it, Mila! I just don’t know what to do with you anymore!” my father screamed out, and his words were directed to me. As I heard him speak, each word came at me like a dagger. Just piercing and stabbing my heart. It had hurt so much, and it was so unexpected. I wondered why it was so painful to hear those words come out of my father’s mouth. I felt like a useless piece of paper that had just been crumpled and thrown away. It hurt so much, and I didn’t know why. “Mateus, calm down,” my mother insisted, “I’m sure we can trust Camila.” I stood still as she said those words, still hurt by the words that my father had said.

“We can trust her? Do you not see this Rachael? She’s suddenly a like lying machine and here I am, the lie detector! Ever since we lost Caia and Caleb, she’s changed so much! So have you Rachael! This is why this family is not working out!” I still stood there, and I suddenly felt more daggers, arrows and sharp pins just invading my heart. The thought of losing my sister and my brother had left a huge gap in my heart. They were the only ones I could tell anything to, no wait – everything. They’ve inspired me so much, and we were the closest trio ever. Nothing broke us apart.

Until last summer, my brother Caleb, who was only sixteen, got beaten up by a bunch of teenage boys his age. They decided to throw him off a building, and there he lie, with a bunch of shattered bones and a bloody face. I couldn’t look at him when he was in the hospital. The doctors said that he was in a coma. But weeks passed and he didn’t wake, and the charge nurse noticed that Caleb didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. That’s when it struck me, I broke down into a million shattered pieces and I cried right on him. Why, why you Caleb?! How can I live without you?! I thought while I cried on him. I couldn’t live without my brother; he was truly the corner stone of our trio. He made me face my fears, made me try new things, got me interested in things I had no interest for before, he built up my self-confidence and esteem, and I started to realize I was becoming brave, all because of him – he was just the best.

So it was only Caia and I left. I tried to let go of all the pain that had been carved into my heart when we lost Caleb, but it was just too much. Caia and I tried to find happiness, by going outside a lot and just hanging out, keeping our mind of that unfortunate incident that made us lose Caleb. It was hard, but Caia and I managed. We had our fun nights, and still stuck to sports and video games, since our brother had a lot of video games.

And it was that one night. That one night that Caia went out alone with a bunch of her eighteen and nineteen year old friends. She was eighteen, turning nineteen, and they were having a beer pong and her friend’s house. I had no interest in this, so I let her go alone. She drove her silver BMW E65 7 Series Sedan and I sat at home just watching TV. She had left at 6:30 p.m., and I noticed that it was already 1 a.m. in the morning. I just assumed that it was a teenage party, so they wouldn’t bother about time.

Now, it was a few minutes after 5 a.m. and Caia had told me she'd be back quite early in the morning, about 3 a.m. she had guessed. I was tired because I had stayed up just to wait for her, just to wait to see if she was home safe. I couldn't lose another truly important person in my life, I just couldn't. I was about to close my eye lids until I heard the phone ring. I ran to the phone and said, “Caia?” I heard a voice that was unfamiliar to me, and he said, “I’m so sorry dear, but Caia got into a car accident at 4:30 this morning. Can I speak to your parents?” I froze. Was Caia okay? Is she going to live? “Hold on.” I said, shaking. I called my parents and they came down and took the phone. All I kept hearing was, “Oh dear”, “Yes” and “Okay.” My mom was shaking and I saw her eyes build up tears while she was on the phone. My dad tried to stay calm by probably thinking about the positives and not the negatives, but I can still see fear in his eyes. That’s when my heart started beating so fast and when tears welled up in my eyes. I was so worried and scared for Caia.

My parents drove to the hospital. I was sitting in the car, looking outside the window, just scared. As I saw the trees and buildings past by, I had flashbacks about the way Caleb had died, and I was thinking about Caia’s BMW just crashing into another car. It made me shiver. And no, I wasn’t cold … I was scared. We got to the hospital and the secretary told us exactly where to go. We were there, at the door of her room. My mother and father entered, but I couldn’t go in. My body froze right in front of her door. I didn’t want to see my beloved sister bruises and cuts, it just seemed to harsh to take. But I had to go in, I had to see her. How about if she only had a few hours left to her? So I went in.

I came in her room and I sat right next to her, and I was scared out of my mind. I saw her, her face covered up with bloody cuts and black bruises. I didn’t want to look at her face, but then again I didn’t want to look away. I can just imagine how much pain she was in. It was hard for her to talk, but she managed. “Camila? Is that you?” she said in a painful voice. “Yes, Caia, it’s me. Are you okay?” I asked. “No. My face hurts, my body hurts. I can’t move. Can I tell you something?” she replied. “Of course you can, you can tell me anything Caia.”

“I love you, Camila. I don’t ever want you to leave this earth, until you die of old age.”

I laughed, “I love you too Caia, and alright. Just for you.”

“Please. Don’t be reckless like me…” she struggled to say that sentence.

“Caia, you’re not reckless. You’re wonderful.” I said as I held her hand. She was in so much pain, and I just couldn’t stand it.

“Tell Steven that I love him if I don’t make it, please?” she looked like she was about to burst into tears.

“Of course, but Caia, you will make it, have some hope.” I encouraged her, but I was soon going to cry, I can feel the water building up in my eyes. Caia surely saw that.

“I won’t make it, I know it. But Camila, just know that I love you, and Steven and mom and dad…please tell them tha-“ and then she stopped talking. Not only did she stop talking, she stopped breathing and her eye lids closed shut. I was panicking. I looked at the heart rate monitor, and it was a straight line. I lost her. It took me a few seconds or maybe minutes to realize that she was gone. I couldn't fully absorb what had just happened, but when I did, I burst into tears. I sobbed and sobbed, while I was looking at her. How could God do this to me? I’m not this strong…after Caleb, Caia? Why not me, why not me God?! I was filled with anger, pain ... just pure agony. My heart felt as if someone had shot it and then sliced it. I hadn’t felt this hurt since Caleb passed away. I didn’t want or need the two people that I loved the most in my life, depended on so much in my life, gone.

I didn’t even get to say bye to her…but I guess that’s life. It hurt me so much, that even now, when my mother, father and I were having this argument, I felt like crying. Just thinking of it and hearing the words come out of my fathers mouth was so harsh … I felt like dying. But then a warm thought came about. If I died … I would be with Caleb and Caia. No, no. I couldn’t do it, Caia and Caleb would want me to stay strong … they would want me to live. The thought of me dying quickly vanished.

“Camila, honey. We need answers…” my mom said calmly, “me … or your father?” she asked me quietly. I didn’t understand why my father and my mother had to get divorced. It made no sense. Everything was fine, until my father lost his job, and we almost got evicted, until my aunt came to the rescue. I didn’t see what the purpose of this was! I hated choosing between my mother and father, but as for right now, I knew what the right choice was. “I want to stay with you, Mom.” I told her. My father’s face turned red, filled with hate and agony. “See! It’s better off with you two silly girls to live with each other! I’m better off alone anyway!” My father was so mad, which made me confused. How could my mother be so calm in this situation with this raging monster screaming at us?

“Yeah. Have fun, we’ll leave tomorrow.” My mom said in a calm voice to my father. What? We’re leaving tomorrow? Where? Those were the only things running through my head. That night, my mom and I started packing. I didn’t care for my father anymore…he had hurt me so bad, as if things couldn’t get any worse. I’m going to let him live his frantic life, “Him and his short temper!” I screamed. I didn’t even notice my mom was in the room, but she understood why I had screamed that. My mother understood everything. She helped me through everything when Caleb and Caia had gone. I thanked her a lot for that, but thank you’s weren’t enough for the love and support and care she had given me.

The next morning we left the house, not only the house, but we had also left Wailuku, Hawaii. I love Hawaii, the beach, the animals, the weather…it’s perfect there. Bye, Hawaii.

MOVING IN

The plane flight was long, but not too long. I didn’t know where we were heading because I wasn’t really paying attention to anything my father and mother discussed, or the departing and arriving boards at the airport, so I just let my mother lead me wherever. At least I wasn’t with my father. I could just imagine living with his angry temper all the time. I couldn’t handle that. I have a short temper myself, but at least I can control it, unlike my father. He just snaps so suddenly, so unexpectedly and he always says the wrong things.

The plane finally lands and my mom had already gotten a car to drive us to the house. I suppose that it isn’t so far? The houses around us were large, and I still didn’t know where we were because as usual, I didn’t bother paying attention. I was the kind to let life lead me. But I would pay attention, it’s just right now, there’s too much running through my head, and I was in the responsible hands of my mother and I trust her enough with my life.

We kept stopping, first in Bakersfield – and yes I paid attention – and then in Santa Monica. I was so anxious to get to the house, I just couldn’t wait…I couldn’t be patient right now. Which was a surprise, I was usually quite calm and patient. Once I reach the house, I told myself, I’ll explore the city. Well, I didn’t even know which city I was going to live in, but whatever, we’ll get there sooner or later. I dazed off, and slept.

I had a horrible dream, even though when I awoke, I noticed I had only slept for about 2 hours or so. I was walking and I kept hearing voices in my head, and seeing dead people…I just couldn’t take it, so I paced myself and walked faster. I still saw people and heard voices, but the faces and the voices were familiar. They were Caleb’s and Caia’s voices. Once I figured that part out, I stood still, in the middle of the street and I fell down to my knees and cried fountains. That’s when I awoke, and looked outside my window. I saw the big house and right behind it, a nice view of the beach.

“Is that our house, Mom?” I asked her curiously, but my voice was ecstatic.

“Yup. That’s our new house, hon’. Do you like it?” she asked happily.

“Of course! It’s gorgeous! Mom, it’s so large…just…wow,” I stared at it in amazement. My house in Hawaii was so small, but I still missed Hawaii. “Thanks so much, Mom.” And I turned to her and kissed her on the cheek.

“No problem. Mila honey, grab our stuff and let’s unpack. The sooner the better, we’ll explore the city.” She had a huge smile on her face. I was happy about that.

I was grabbing all of our suitcases out of the back. I rolled the luggage to the front door, and my mom threw me a pair of keys. I unlocked the door, and rolled the luggage inside and I went inside as well. The house was insanely large. It was gorgeous, outside and inside. It was just unbelievable. This was three times the size of the house I had in Hawaii. But I knew inside that California couldn’t compare to Hawaii … it was just different, the whole culture and land at least. But I can accept California, besides, the city I lived in was just gorgeous, and there were many shopping places to go to just a few minutes away from us. I actually liked it here.

We settled in, and my mom and I decided to go out. So we did, and we went to Beverly Hills. It was just overwhelming there, it was nothing compared to all the stores in Hawaii. There were stores left, right, in front and behind. There were a lot of people and a lot of cars, and it was just exhilarating. The sight took my mind off of all my worries and troubles, and I was satisfied…happy for the moment.

My mom parked the car and we went out to the streets and walked. It was more of a shopping spree than an exploration. We went in stores and came out with a bag or two, and went in another one and came out with another bag or two, and we just had fun. A fun girls night out. I actually spotted some good looking guys while walking down the street, and it was just nice to hang out with my mom, and do some shopping. It calmed me. It made me happy. This was what I wanted…but it would be better if Caia was with us … I couldn’t stop thinking that. And while I looked at the nice looking guys, I thought if Caleb approved of them. He was quite over protective even though I was older than him by a year.

I still tried hard to take my mind off of the two. My mom was the only one who could take my mind of this situation, and no one else. It was surprising and I felt lonely. But at least I had someone. We finished shopping and headed back to the BMW.

“I had fun, Mom. Thanks a lot,” I told her, with a smile on my face, “This was great.”

She smiled, “No problem, hon’. I had fun too.”

We went to our house and by the time we got home, it was already 9 p.m. I really liked today…it was just different that my other days. Two days from now, a new school year would start. I’m not too excited about that…but I’ll do whatever I can to survive. Besides, life is about surviving, isn’t it? And it’s about creating yourself. As you move on with life, you have experiences and make mistakes that make you stronger, and they create a stronger person. And you have to survive, and by the end you’ve created you. I just hope that I find friends and won’t be an outcast at my new school. I ended the day with that thought, and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning, and stretched. I didn’t have a nightmare last night…more like a dream. A fantasy… something that I’ve always wanted to happen. I was walking on the beach and a guy, I’m not quite sure who because I couldn’t quite make out his face…I don’t think I knew him though, put his hands around my waist and hugged me hard. Like he never wanted to let go. I liked it, it felt really nice, since I never really did have this happen. It was a once in a lifetime thing…I wanted it to last forever.

I went downstairs, still in my pajamas and went into the kitchen. My mom was already there, all dressed up. “Where are you going, Mom?” I asked her. I was curious.

“I’m going to work, Mila.” She seemed happy.

“You already have a job?” I asked, sort of shocked … I was surprised, wow. We just got here, and here she is already working.

“Yup. It’s great, isn’t it, honey?” Now I knew that she was happy.

“Yeah! So mom, what’s your job?” I asked her, curious again.

“I’m a nurse,” she told me, “just like in Hawaii.”

“Oh I see, good thing you’re doing something your already experienced at,” I encouraged, “have a good day at work, then.” I told her as she walked out the door.

“Thanks, honey. I’ll see you around 7. Do you think you can make dinner?”

“Um, sure, I’ll try. We have recipe books around, right?” I was scared a tiny bit. I’ve made dinner twice before, but with my mom's help. I don't really cook for others, I really just cook for myself, even though I enjoyed cooking.

“Yup. Have fun, honey!” she smiled and went in the BMW X5. She drove off, waving and I waved back at her.

Ugh, I thought, another day. I have to find something interesting that will keep me occupied for the rest of this day. I’m pretty sure it won’t be too hard…there’s a beach right behind my house, and a street filled with stores about an hour away. And there were so many places that my mom said would be fine to go to as well, and it won’t be as far away as Beverly Hills.

The dream that I had last night was still running through my mind. It was probably one of the best, maybe since it was so detailed and it seemed so … alive. When he put his arms around my waist, we just stood there. I was smiling and he seemed very satisfied, smiling as well. The sun was setting and then we sat down, and I lay my head on his chest, still smiling. I think I was listening to his heart beat, as he played with my hair. I seemed so happy, I looked like I felt genuine happiness…something I haven’t really felt in a long while, ever since Caia had left. All I really felt was satisfaction. And I pretended I was happy the other times just so I don’t hurt the others around me, especially my mom.

I decided to take my mind off all of this happiness and satisfaction thing by going to the beach. I changed into my white shorts and light blue tank top, put on my flip flops and headed out the door. The weather was nice today, a nice breeze and the sun was out. The waves crashed gently towards the sand. I walked around for about a half hour, then I headed back home.

When I got home, it was only 12:18 in the afternoon. I still had way too much time ahead of me, so I just took a nap. I felt a bit restless anyways, so I went upstairs and laid in my bed.

3. DINNER AND CONVERSATION

</font> "No, Mila. You're going to get your heart broken," the voice in my head said, "it's not a good choice." Then my heart was on the agreeing, "I don't wanna be broken. Please, leave." I was confused. This guy was holding onto my waist so tightly like I was the only woman he loved, it felt amazing. Yet I kept telling myself this was the wrong choice to make, what is this supposed to mean? That bad things come in good packages? What?! It makes no sense. I looked into his eyes and he saw the water in my eyes. "What's wrong, beautiful?" he asked in a sweet, seductive voice. Then all of I sudden I was in my room. I was dreaming. Of course I was, of course. That guy was too beautiful to be real, to sweet to be real. Just too much for reality. I noticed it was alrady 6:00 p.m. and that dinner had to be ready once my mom came home, so I got up quickly and started on dinner.

there he was, my own personal miracle.

my story. - not completed.